ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER 911

911 is upon us once again....the 9th anniversary of the death of my step-sister, MICHELLE HERMAN-GOLDSTEIN. Although the day to day stuff is pretty much "normal", as I approach August ( her birthday month), it gets harder for me....each year....it never gets easier...I find myself crying harder and more often for Michelle!



The City holds a memorial for 911, where about 4 or 5 families (along with other caring individuals) go to mourn for the loss of their child, brother, sister, mother, father, etc... A piece of the World Trade Center sits on a platform, mounted with a plaque for all to see, and this is where my family goes every year to remember Michelle. It's all I have to remember her by that isn't too morbid. I cannot bring myself to go to the cementary for some reason. I recall my father telling me several years ago that as body parts were found through DNA, he and my step-mother were informed and asked if they wanted these remains sent here to Florida for burial. I picture a thumb, a thigh bone, a leg....and I just can't seem to bring myself to visit the cememtary for this reason. I also remember my father telling me that he and his wife told the City of NY to stop with the phone calls...I think each time they received one, it was as if Micelle died all over again.

Lately, I have been taking my children to the library to do fun things at least 4 or 5 times a month...puppet shows, plays, checking out books and movies. Each time I pass the Memorial, just outside the front doors, I touch it. I kiss my fingers and touch the piece of the World Trade Center and I can't help myself but cry. Sometimes I bring flowers, sometimes I place a stone on the twisted piece of metal, sometimes I look the other way and try to ignore it so I do not upset my children just before they are getting ready to do something fun inside the doors of the library. A few weeks ago, there was some sort of voting going on at the library and I brought my 10 year old daughter there to check out books. We stopped, we read the Memorial plaques as we have a million times before and my daughter looked around and couldn't believe what she saw. She couldn't stop herself from vocalizing her disbelief. There was a bunch of garbage surrounding "our" Memorial. She spoke out loud, "can you believe this? Look at this!" There were McDonald bags, empty chilli cups from Wendy's and Big Gulps actually on the Memorial. She picked up one of the Publix bags she found on the ground and proceeded to pick all the trash up, all the while voicing her disbelief that someone would "trash" our Memorial...the place we come to mourn Michelle.

My daughter was very small when Michelle died and doesn't physically remember her holding her when she would come to visit, but she knows she is "Aunt Michelle" and talks extremely highly of her. My daughter consoles me every time we walk by the Memorial, holding my hand, rubbing my back, being strong, not shedding a tear, but understanding how I feel, knowing we will first go to the restroom so I can wipe my eyes until my moment has passed and I can get back to the fun we came for in the first place. But she also knows we have to walk by the Memorial on the way out to leave...when we hold hands, say goodbye and go to the car. She can't even possibly know how important these moments we share are to me and how proud of her I am that she supports and understands my feelings, knowing they will pass and I will be "mommy" in just a few minutes.

And here we are again...911. I cannot believe 9 years has gone by and I cannot understand why I get more upset each year. I mean, I do not live my day to day life mourning and feeling depressed. As I said, around Michelle's birthday in August it starts. This year on her birthday I brought a birthday card with a picture of Michelle and some flowers to the Memorial and I sat there, crying, people staring at me, not knowing what to do or say and I didn't want anyone to. It's just something you have to get through yourself and tomorrow is another day and everything will be just a little bit better. Then, as we approach 911, of course I feel very sad. It just so happens my wonderful, thoughtful 10 year old child's birthday is on 9/10. This year, her birthday party is going to be on 9/11. I cannot deny her what she deserves and ignore the happiness of bringing my daughter into this world. So, even though I will first go to the Memorial and pray for Michelle, later in the afternoon we will celebrate Jessica's 11th birthday with smiles on our faces and cake in our mouths. I feel sad that Michelle will not be there, because what a great auntie she would have been to my children, but I know this is what Michelle would have wanted...for life to go on, for people to continue to celebrate and dance.

At this late hour, with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I write this memoir for Michelle. Not only for her memory, but for my step-mother, Ingrid Herman -Jaffe, who has to live this loss every day. For my father, Robert Jaffe, who consoles his wife often, and for her sister Anette, and her children, who miss Michelle deeply. I pray for them and hope their days become easier to live without Michelle and I pray for Michelle and her big, bright smile. If only she knew the impact her life made on this world and how her smile brightened every person she touched. God bless you MICHELLE HERMAN-GOLDSTEIN!

ALL MY LOVE,

WENDY

STILL THINKING-TRYING TO GRAB MY MOMENTS OF PEACE

So, here it is, 3 months later since I wrote part one of this blog.....still searching for peace...I think I'm getting closer, but have run into a few barriers...some weird illnesses, most likely brought on by internalizing my stress...But things have improved: My husband and I now handle all of my father-in-laws affairs as a team, no more interruptions from his siblings, no more unwanted/unbelievable opinions, no more subliminal, negative remarks from people watching, not that these people want to be excluded, I just decided It had to be our way or I just wasn't going to do it. It's amazing what an ultimatum will do, not that I am usually that type of person, but I have learned I have to be sometimes, in a nice way, no nastiness, just "sorry, it's gotta be this way if you want me to help"!

I've gotten back into my workouts, sorta, being side tracked occassionally by some of my weird illnesses, the latest being a urinary tract infection lasting a month....ughhh!!! I'm still continuing to eat "healthier", "organic" etc...making some crazy recipes, with my latest favorite being an acai bowl ( if anyone wants the recipe it's easy and yum, yum, yummy). But something is still missing, something is still not right! I'm not sure if it's lonliness or lack of finding my inner peace! For all those people that think that working from home is the best thing in the world...let me tell u it's not...it's actually pretty boring and forces u to stay in your house for countless hours! I'm not complaining, i know I am lucky to even have a job, and especially the job I have being a professional, but still, it is pretty lonely. Sometimes I fall into a funk and don't get out of the house for days on end. I find myself straining to find things to do on my days off because I don't want to hang around the house and catch up on cleaning or fixing up my garden etc....I just need to get out, go for long walks, anything but stay inside.

My mother came to visit for the holidays which added way much undue stress to my family life. She doesn't really "know" my little children, because she chooses to only visit once a year, if not every other year, despite my constant requests for her presence. She is a very negative, stressed, annoying person. And I tried, GOD, did I try to negate her negativity like a superhero with sheilds of armour, but in the end, she got me and that is why I am finding myself still in this funk, I think. Every time she comes for a visit, I tell myself, this is gonna be great, we are gonna have so much fun, then I am somehow disappointed beyond all belief. I love her with all my heart, but she is very difficult! She has never been here for a holiday before and I hate to say it, but she actually tried to ruin ours. So let's just say she will never come for the holiday's again! I have decided I can no longer be the peacemaker between my siblings and parents, I can only be the peace bringer/giver for my family, my husband, my children....I have to do it this way for happiness!

So here we go, another year, another positive attitude, which I am fighting to keep up, and hopefully a great year with inner peace and happiness in my family and personal life. I hope I don't sound too selfish, but the one thing I have learned in my 41 years of life is that I can try to help people be happy, go out of my way to help people in need...but if people are unaccepting and unbelieving, you must move on to save yourself...to keep yourself happy and peaceful...so here we go 2010...may it be a great one!

JUST THINKING-MOMENT OF PEACE

I woke up early, way too early this morning, not by choice, but for the required duties of making a living...but at least I work from home. Despite the early start time of 5am, I keep telling myself, "don't worry u r off at 1:30pm". Plus the added benefit of rolling out of bed and not wasting precious fuels to drive to a specific destination. However, I have been bored recently with my self...not just my job.

You see, almost a year ago, my father-in-law was deathly sick. He miraculously recovered, thank God, however his life has been drastically altered and we were forced to bring him to live our way...500 miles away from his home on the beach, the home he has chosen to retire at and live the remainder of his life in peace...which has now been taken away from him. Due to his illness, he is unable to live alone and after several moves, from hospital to rehab to assisted living, we have finally chosen his final living quarters. Now I hope this doesn't sound selfish, but this incident has sent my family life on a trip I never expected...The family fights (close and distant relatives), the constant needs of my father-in-law, the bills, the time taken away from my family and personal life...it's been crazy. But we are there for him, helping him, taking care of his every need, despite his resistance.

So, over the past year or so, my quality of life has changed drastically...and I hate to say it, but for the worse, letting this illness consume our lives...taking away much happiness and peace which existed. My physical and mental well-being have suffered immensley!

However, slowly, I am taking my life back. It will never be the same as it was, nor should it ever be as we change, as we age, as our children and parents grow older and we become the responsible adult. All we can do is try to accept these changes and welcome this new form of life with peace. This is what I have been trying to tell my family, what I have been begging my husband to accept, what I have asked my father-in-law to allow to happen. But everyone is resistant and sometimes I find myself consumed with the blues. But I will not allow it to take over, just settle in for a short time, or perhaps it's PMS (which has taken on a whole new life in my 40's).

Anyway, lately I have stumbled onto some very inspiring music and blogs I have now chosen to follow. I'm not sure how I found these blogs...but I love them and I want to thank these inspiring people who have motivated me to be a better person, mentally and physically, not to mention environmentally! How did these people get to be so insightful I ask myself? How did they become so creative? How can I get me some of that? It's a slow process, you can't change everything over night, I keep telling myself. But look out world...here I come...looking for my piece of peace, searching every day...I know I will find it, it just might take some time!

So, again, thank you to my new blog followers for my daily inspiration and keep it up....I need you!